This is a stream of consciousness litany, noting what I've noted and pointedly pointing out the poignant and preposterous.
I make no claim to any special insights or inspirations or intelligence. "This is me" and I've come to finally accept me as I am rather than try to be something I thought I was supposed to be or felt that I was expected to be. I am finally able to come to grips with myself in most ways and in most things.
First, I admit that for most of my life I was trying to be someone or something that would fit in and just be a normal kid, one of the crowd. That was hard to do when you're the only Asian and Korean within 100 miles! Yeah, talk about outliers! I grew up trying to be "white" in a white town with a white culture. What I really became was a "banana/twinkie"... yellow on the outside, white on the inside, sometimes sweet, mostly not! Yep, that was on top of the usual teenage angst and anger. Oh, let's throw in some familial issues and dysfunctions, religious-osities, social isolation, and all of the wonders of the wonder years.
Second, I now know that what I went through was not unique, it just seemed that way due to my isolation. Many, many other adoptees suffered in similar circumstances all over the world. Over 250,000 Korean orphans were adopted abroad from 1955 to 2000. That's a lot of people, but when you thin out and disperse geographically throughout the world, and ratio out the limited numbers per year that produces a lot of isolated and lonely orphans/adoptees!
The reason for this background is to connect my past with this present day reality and the results of this trip. I wanted several outcomes from this trip...
1. I really wanted Adriana to have a good look see about Japanese and Korean cultures, peoples, and behaviors. By seeing their societies and the behaviors of people in today's world environment, you can get a better understanding about the cultural differences and, more importantly, the thinking and psychological background of a people, culture and the individual who hails from that society. The Japanese and Koreans share many commonalities, but there are some huge differences and each is unique in some ways. This trip did definitely highlight those characteristics.
2. I wanted to get a little more closure on my distressful past. My memories are filled with pain, loss, and dystopia. Although I do have a few memories of my early, early childhood and the comfort and security I felt with my Appa, most of my early childhood memories of Korea are nothing but pain, hunger, cold, deprivation, and worse.
My first return to Korea after my adoption was in 1973 after I graduated and was commissioned into the U. S. Navy. That was 15 years after I first arrived in America in 1958. That trip was a total emotional and psychological mess and "Alice in Wonderland" plot and characterizations. I would have been better off not having made that trip, but I did and the confusion and schizophrenia that resulted messed me up for the next 10 plus years. So, really, that first trip was not anything even close to closure, more of a whirlwind or tornado of emotions and memories and resurfacing of many deep issues.
My second trip was as an officer assigned to the U. S. Forces Korea staff in 1983... ten years on, I was married to a Korean woman, had three beautiful, young children, and was now working in Korea. By now I was beginning to sort through many of the issues inside my head, but there were still some deep fissures that would not close or heal. I still dreamed of finding my Appa and my family, but that dream was not supported by my then wife nor by her family. That's another long and complicated sidebar story.
My third trip was a few years later, in 1990, after Korea had hosted the '88 Summer Olympics. Both Korea and I had grown up quite a bit by now. My children were ready for school and I was getting closer to closure. We made a short, one day trip to Busan and walked several blocks of Ami Dong, but that again did more damage than good.
And, now, this is my fourth trip to Korea. This time it was all on me, I planned and paid for this trip, and I put in my time to get some more closure. Last summer Adriana and I went to Danville and paid respects to Mr. and Mrs. Houck at their graves in Riverside. That was final closure for me as far as Danville was concerned. There is no need or call for me to go to Danville ever again.
This fourth trip most likely will be my last trip to Korea since there are so many other destinations and locations on my "bucket list", starting with Isreal. I have achieved nearly all of my closure with my Korean past. I am now of an age where I realize that there is an infinitesimally small chance that my Appa or any family members can be found. I also have come to a point where that is no longer important for me, I have my own peace and have come to fully embrace and accept who I am and what I am. I no longer need to fit in nor want to fit in anymore. So, I walk the line between the many lanes of life and I am fine with my status.
The journey from the hills of Busan, there in Ami Dong, to here has been a long, lonely, and painful one. Yet, the journey is what it is and my life has been a most interesting adventure filled with miracles, incredible events, many losses, many tears and tear-filled moments, and some happy and bright times... in other words, my life has been an, almost routine, immigrant's cliche in its plot line and characterizations. The final denouement awaits, but so far this life has been filled with all of the cliches, norms, twisted plot lines and surprises I could have wished for long ago in that shanty on a hill above Busan harbor.
I am truly grateful and thankful to my God, to my sweet Adriana, and my children and a few friends for this most memorable ride. I pray that I have some more memorable trips around the sun so that I can really relish the joys of this life with the joy of my life.
So, as we get ready to head back home, back to our normal routines and daily lives, I am so thankful that I can now move on and truly embrace who I am, live the life my Appa would want for me and do as much good as I can with what I have for as many as I can for as long as I can.
Then, in the end, this trip has been truly worthwhile. It has affirmed my Koreanness, put me touch with my Japanese ancestry, given me more closure, and has motivated me to live happily in knowing how far I've come with God's love, mercy, and grace.
I hope and wish for each of you to achieve your life's mission and purpose far more quickly than I did. I hope that you will always have good health, be filled with sparkling, effervescent happiness, and that your lives will be filled to overflowing with meaning and purpose and contentment and peace.
Know yourselves, know those whom you love, and always get closer and closer to God's love and grace.
May God bless you always,
with much love and thanks,
casey
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